| | Current Music: | Half-Life- Duncan Sheik | | Subject: | Heartbroken:( | | Time: | 11:47 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/threnody/mice/m-sad.gif) heartbroken |
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| | I had my heart broken very badly yesterday and I don't know if it will ever be repaired. I nearly gave Luke my heart and then when I called him last night, he told me that he wants to be back together with his exgirlfriend. When he told me this, my heart broke into a million pieces and there was no way that the pieces would be picked up again. He told me that he doesn't want to be with me right now. Then I got the impression that I am supposed to just be okay with it. But how can he expect me to be okay with it? He broke my heart. He has my whole heart and am I left with nothing. I feel so empty and I don't know that he cares even though he told me that he still cares about me. He said that he still cares about me and wants to be with me but not right now. I realized that I am only there for him for the times that he isn't with anybody. Like he can pick me up and drop me whenever he wants. I kept him waiting last semester when I was getting my life in order and I feel bad for doing so. During the three years that I didn't know what had happened to him, there wasn't a day that I didn't think about him or wonder whether or not he was alive or dead. I am so hurt right now because of what he said to me yesterday but I can't help but still love him. I have such deep feelings for him and I don't want those feelings to die. I don't want that light to burn out. But I feel that the longer I sit and wait around for him, for a relationship, the sooner it will be that those feelings I have for him will die. And that is the last thing I want to happen. He told me last night that he sees him self marrying me in like 10 years but I don't want to have to wait that long because I don't know where the next 10 years will take me or where I will be in 10 years. To have to wait 10 years to have a relationship with him feels like a lifetime. How long should I have to wait? In all honesty, I don't know how much longer I will be able to wait after what happened last night. I am willing to give him my whole heart but only if I know that I will get the same feelings in return. I don't want to be with anybody else right now but him. But I don't know if he sees this because he is still stuck on his exgirlfriend. How much longer do I have to be hurt by him? I don't want to just completely move on from him but I am afraid that it is getting to that point. I told him that I regretted moving to Rocklin because of him and now saying that is what I regret. He means so much to me and I don't want to see those feelings go down the drain. He wanted me to stay in Rocklin and go to his party tonight but all I wanted to do was go home so I can have some time away thinking that space from him for a couple of days would help me. But as I sit here and write this journal entry, the only place I want to be is back in Rocklin with him. My roomate Michelle told him that the only reason I was going home this weekend was because of him. At the time she was right. But now I just want to go back and be with him. Since I still really care about him, I want to be with him. He is all I am thinking about right now. When I first moved to Rocklin, all I wanted was to just be friends with him. But that was only because I had so many things going on in my life that I needed to sort out. But now I find myself wanting to be much more then just friends with him. I would never had told him that I was ready for a relationship if I didn't truly mean it. I don't want to have to wait anymore to have that relationship with him that I have wanted since the end of last semester. I feel the longer I have to wait then the closer I am getting to that fire that represents the love that I have for him will burn out. And that is my biggest fear right now. That I will never have my chance to be with him as more then just friends. I don't want to hurt anymore and the only cure to that hurt inside my heart would be if I was with him in a relationship. | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | Heaven is a place on earth | | Subject: | I hate my mom | | Time: | 12:43 am | | Current Mood: | depressed |
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| | I got in a fight with my mom tonight over my credit card bill. since she was so mad about it, she said that I couldnt drive to Rocklin on friday night and stay the night in my dorm room after lukes party and then come back saturday morning. she said that if i pressed her on leaving my car here overnight she would have it in the paper the next day to sell it. all she cares about is herself. she said that the car is under liability so if anything happens to it, the insurance company will come after her house. its obvious that the house is all she cares about. if i wanted to be treated like this, i would go live with my father. at least there i could get away with more because he would be too drunk to even care what i do. im most likely not going to be coming back to davis this weekend because i dont want to see my mom. she treated me just like i would have been treated by my father. she called me later on tonight to see if i was okay. i have to wonder why she even cared since all she cares about is herself. she asked me if i wanted to be pulled out of school and move back home. i told her no that i didnt want to leave here. i dont want to be pulled out of school because i dont want to live under her roof anymore. once i get a job, i will have my car up here and i will have more freedom from her. why is she such a bitch? Luke was saying that in high school she was so nice but since i came to rocklin, she has been nothing but a bitch to me. why is it that i want to go home so much? when i get my car up here, i will be coming home less because i wont be going home so i can drive my car. other then seeing my friends that is the only reason why i come home. i hate my mom so much right now. she doesnt give a shit about me. she thinks she does but deep down i know she doesnt. she says she loves me but she treats me like shit more times then she is nice to me. if i wanted that kind of treatment, i would seriously move in with my father. i have a father who is a damn alcoholic who only thinks about himself and the alcohol that he is drinking whenever i am talking to him. and mother who only cares about herself and no one else. not even her own daughter. i dont think she ever treated kevin like this. i hope i get a job soon so i dont have to keep going home to use my car. the sooner i get my car, the sooner i can just get away from her. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF...
I cried:
I asked you to help:
I was becoming suicidal:
I killed myself:
I died from natural causes:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I lived next door to you:
I started smoking:
I stole something:
I starved myself:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I cut myself:
I got into a fight and you weren’t there:
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...
My personality:
My eyes:
My face:
My hair:
My clothes:
My mannerisms:
My family:
WOULD YOU:
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Spread rumors about me:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Drive me in your car when you get your license:
Hold my hand:
Take a bullet for me:
Keep in touch:
Try and solve my problems:
Love me:
DO YOU THINK I'M...
Hot:
Sexy:
Happy:
A slut:
A bitch:
A liar:
A dumb blonde:
Stupid as fuck:
DO YOU CARE IF I...
Drink:
Smoke:
Talk:
Exist:
Flirt:
Mooch:
WHAT IS MY BEST...
Quality Item on body:
Day:
COMPETITION...
would you ever steal a guy from me:
would you ever cheat on me:
would you ever be afraid about what other people think:
would you ever make out with my boyfriend behind my back:
would you ever spread a mean rumor about me just to get attention: | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Unpredictable- BBMAK | | Subject: | Sadness | | Time: | 12:03 am | | Current Mood: | sad |
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| I leave friday morning to move back into the dorms. part way through the semester, I really wanted to move back into the dorms then because i was tired of my mom bitching at me all the time. I actually thought that I had had enough family for a while. but two days before I move back, I don't. I am going to miss all my friends and my babies (Annie and Casey) and even my mom despite the times that she can be a bitch to me. I know I am going to see all my friends that I havent seen since I moved out on Decemember 17th but I dont want to leave my friends here again like I did when I moved to Rocklin in August. which also really sucks I have another death that I am going to have to work through since my great grandmother died a little more then a week ago. During the last 5 weeks, I was able to see my friends everyday and starting friday I am not going to get to do that. it is going to be easier for me this semester because I have gotted used to being out on my own but there are things that I am going to have to get used to being without all over again. like my friends and my dogs and my family. I dont want to leave any of those things but I know I have to. I am looking at Annie right now sleeping on my bed next to me and I cant help but think that I am going to miss that cute little brown face. and then there is Caseys sweet happy face everytime I walk in the door or just a room and his wagging tail. I am going to miss him so much too. Annie and Casey light up my life. I am going to miss those two. well i got to go. ill talk to you all later. love you all.
Ryan | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | my moms aunt called us tonight. my greatgrandmother died of a stroke that she had last week. the funeral arrangements are for friday. we get to go to the funeral home early saturday morning so we can see her and say goodbye before the funeral. I still cant believe that she died. she was the last of my greatgrandparents alive up until yesterday. why is life so unfair? this is so hard to deal with. first my grandmother died in june then my greatgrandmother died yesterday. how many more family deaths do i have to go through? when my grandmother died, it affected the way i did in my first semester at Sierra. is that going to happen again this coming up semester because my greatgrandmother died? I cant afford to do poorly a second semester in a row. I just dont know how I am going to get through this. Im still not over my grandmothers death and i might not ever be. I really wish i could be at my grandmothers grave right now. that is the only place i want to be right now. but i cant be there until the cemetary opens in the morning. I wish that live could be easy and I would never have to say goodbye to my family members because they die. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | none. watching the mummy | | Subject: | my greatgrandmother | | Time: | 08:37 pm | | Current Mood: | depressed |
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| | My greatgrandmother died this afternoon at about 12:30. I hate myself now because I wasnt there when she died. I just wish i could have said goodbye to her. my greatgrandmother was my grandmas mom. my grandma died in june. i never thought that my greatgrandmother would outlive my grandmother. when my grandmother died in june, we never told my greatgrandmother about her death because my greatgrandmother didnt know who her own daughters were anymore. and my grandmother was my greatgrandmothers oldest daughter. I was there with my grandmother when she died and i wish i could have done the same with my greatgrandmother today. if i wasnt at the hospital when my grandmother died, I would never have forgiven myself. and now I dont know if i will ever forgive myself for not being with my greatgrandmother when she died today. the last year has been so hard for me. last january there was the death of my godmothers husband, then in june there was the death of my grandmother, then today was the death of my greatgrandmother. how many more deaths am I going to have to go through? I just want all this to end. I dont want to lose another family member. it destroys me everytime someone im close to dies. when my grandmother died, I didnt want to do anything and didnt leave the house or talk to anyone for a long while. now that is how i feel even though i did leave the house today and went to a movie with devin and alyson. now i am just sitting at home being depressed hating myself for not being with my greatgrandmother when she died. well anyway iim just gonna go back to watching my movie now and feeling upset. love you all | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | my father called me tonight. he asked why i hadnt called him since before new years. well the reason why i havent called him was because the last time I talked to him i ended up hanging up on him because he told me that my grandmother was just dead. so after he told me that I hung up on him and hadnt talked to him since. it seems that everytime i talk to him, he is drunk and yells at me and then doesnt remember yelling at me. I told him tonight that my step dad is a much better father then he will ever be. i also told him that I am tired of waiting for him to step up and be a father. then he made up some excuse for why he cant be. tonight on the phone he told me that he would have come up here this weekend but the weather prevented him from coming up. which is bullshit cuz i drove in the rain twice today and didnt have any trouble. so i think he is just making excuses to finally step up and fulfill his responsibilities. maybe i should just let jack adopt me like he said he would do if kevin and i wanted to when he and my mom first got married. or maybe just change my last name like kevin is doing. my father still uses me to get to my nephew. do i look like im jasons mother? I dont think so. i just dont know how much more of this i can take. all he is doing is fucking up my life. well anyway tonight has been a bad night so im gonna go and hopefully put today behind me and get a good night sleep. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Sandra E. Gilley
By Enterprise staff
Published: June 28, 2004
Sandra Elizabeth Gilley, a 32-year resident of Davis, died Thursday after a lengthy illness. She was 65.
Born Sept. 14, 1938, in Phoenix, she was raised in San Jose and graduated from Notre Dame High School in 1956. She attended San Jose State University.
She married Curtiss William Gilley on July 12, 1958, and the couple moved to Davis in September 1972. The Gilleys were active in the Davis community.
A traveler, who also enjoyed water and snow skiing, Gilley's last trip was a Mediterranean cruise in 1998.
She was preceded in death by her father, Leroy Crowell, and by her in-laws Margaret and Ralph Gilley.
Survivors include her husband, Curtiss Gilley of Davis; her mother, Bertha Crowell; daughter and son-in-law Melissa and Jack Goldberg of Davis; son, Mark Gilley and his life partner Dave Gootee of Chicago; two sisters, Suzanne Kubinak and Nanette Dobrowski; grandson Kevin and his fiance Sheri of Davis; granddaughter Ryan of Davis; and great-grandson Jason of Davis.
She also will be missed by her friend and caregiver Carie Rushworth of Vacaville and numerous nieces and nephews.
Friends may visit from 4 to 8 p.m. Monday at Davis Funeral Chapel, 116 D St. A rosary will be said at 7:30 p.m. Monday at the funeral chapel.
The funeral Mass will be celebrated at 11 a.m. Tuesday at St. James Catholic Church, 200 W. 14th St. The burial will be private.
In lieu of flowers, remembrances may be made in her name to the National Kidney Foundation, 553 Pilgrim Drive, Suite C, Foster City, CA 94404.
Arrangements are under the direction of Davis Funeral Chapel. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | none. watching Queer Eye For The Straight Guy | | Subject: | FINALLY | | Time: | 12:04 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/threnody/mice/m-confused.gif) confused |
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| | Jessica left yesterday to go back home to san diego. thank god. I thought the week would go by slow because I hate her so much. the whole time she was here, i think she was trying to get on my good side. she kept trying to be nice to me. i didnt talk to her though because I dont want to give her the time of day anymore. during the time she was here, i either ignored her or just left the house completely to go hang out with my friends. I did not want to stick around my house and see her all day. thank god for my car. it made it easier to just get up and go. i actually think that she wasnt really being nice to me. I overheard her say that she wasnt going to apologize to me for the way she treated me. Im guessing that she didnt think that she didnt do anything wrong. was she expecting me to be the one to admit that I did something wrong and should be the one to apologize? I sure as hell hope not. I was not the one to do something wrong. i was just giving all her shit back to her that she has done to me since I met her. did she think that I was just going to continue letting her treat me like shit for as long as I know her? she was very wrong if she thought that I was going to let her continue doing that to me. she pushed my patience to the limit. it is not very often that I explode at anyone but when we were in utah and she finally pushed me to the limit by taking advantage of me and swearing at me in front of her younger brothers who are 12 and 9. when it came to that, I just exploded. I started yelling more so then i ever have before. I dont even regret doing it either. she got what she deserved. and i have no problem with completely laying all her shit back. she is not the kind of person who would make a good friend. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Someone You Used To Know- Collin Raye | | Subject: | sure | | Time: | 12:36 am | | Current Mood: | depressed |
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| 
Your Hidden Power Is Water
You have a rather calm soul, but when tempted
will get pissed off at those who bug you. You
do whatever you can in your powers to help
those of your allies and have a okay taste for
human kind, but you find them rather annoying
on occasions.
Gem Stone: Saphire, Eye Color:Ice
Blue,Hair Color:Dark Blue that's long
that goes to your waist.
Quote:If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you. Although I've travelled
far, I always hold a place for you
In my heart. If you think of me, If you miss me
once in a while, Then I'll return to you. I'll
return and fill that space in your heart
What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::.
brought to you by Quizilla | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | One Boy, One Girl- Collin Raye | | Subject: | ok | | Time: | 12:27 am | | Current Mood: | depressed |
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| 
You are a water girl. You are flexable and very
nice. You are quiet so people who don't know
you thnk you are weird or just mean and high
and mighty like. You aren't though. You like
to have a good time and you also just like to
relax and just enjoy the stars.
Who are you inside????? (LOTS OF RESULTS)girls only
brought to you by Quizilla | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | none. Watching Law And Order Special Victims Unit | | Subject: | confusion | | Time: | 11:11 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/threnody/mice/m-scared.gif) distressed |
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| | Luke wanted to know if i had a problem with the fact that he has a girlfriend. I really didnt want to answer the question. am i just supposed to be honest with him and tell him that i'm hurt by the fact that he has a girlfriend? all i really told him was that I didnt understand when I had told him that I would date him. I dont want him to break up with his girlfriend for me because I want him to be happy but I really wanted to date him and I was completely thrown off when he told me that he has a girlfriend. im still hurt by it because I dont know anymore if he and i will ever date. I dont know how long he is going to be dating his girlfriend. I just hate to think about not dating him since I told him I would give him a chance and i dont want to go back on my word. I just dont know if I should honestly tell him how I feel about him having a girlfriend. he asked me but should he know the honest truth? | | comments: Leave a comment |
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